


The Galaxy Keeps Haunting Me

by Sashaya



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Beginning of Mass Efffect 2, Canon Temporary Character Death, Friendship, Gen, Grief, Mentions of alcohol, Nightmares, Self-blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 15:09:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5296109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashaya/pseuds/Sashaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somehow, he never thought Shepard would be counted as one of the fallen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Galaxy Keeps Haunting Me

**Author's Note:**

> _**Disclaimer:**_ _The characters belong to Bioware._
> 
>  
> 
>  **A/N:** The story was checked by my **Sun &Stars, Nehelena**.

Joker has spent years in the Alliance, he saw battle before and he knew how soldiers usually end.

Somehow, he never thought Shepard would be counted as one of the fallen.

The thought still seems bizarre to him, it sounds like an awfully bad joke and Joker has to swallow big bile of disgust, disbelieve and hurt whenever people repeat the dreaded words like it’s some kind mantra. Like it’s some kind of a new prayer and Joker doesn’t know this religion just yet.

_Shepard is dead._

The first time he met her, well… she was the type he’d avoid in the academy – cold, strong and lifeless behind the green eyes. She scared him a bit but he’d never say that to her. Especially since, she quickly became one of his closest friends – she showed him all the care and warmth she had and the life she was set on not showing. Joker loved their bickering and teasing, mostly because Anderson would look at them like he didn’t know he hired children. 

_Shepard is dead._

Joker was the one to notify Anderson, because he was the only person in the galaxy who needed to know. Shepard had no family, no other friends – at least she never said anything – and Anderson was like a father to her. Or at least someone important, precious.

Anderson didn’t break down, no-one expected him to, but he hid his face for a minute and took out a bottle of brandy. They drank until they couldn’t remember the reason behind sadness and grief. 

Shepard is dead and she’s still haunting him.

Joker doesn’t dream a lot. He was always the lucky type to forget every dream, the time spent in Alliance hasn’t changed that. He doesn’t wake up with a scream stuck in his throat every night, he doesn’t scare himself awake and cry later on. 

Sometimes, though, sometimes he dreams.

Joker dreams of a blinding, consuming blackness painted with a touch of red and yellow. He dreams of Normandy becoming nothing but pieces of useless metal. He dreams of Shepard floating in the darkness.

When people tell him not to blame himself, he swears at them and chases them away. He smiles without humor that he’s not because it’s all Shepard’s fault. Shepard decided to play the hero – no-one should be surprised by that, they all knew she wasn’t completely okay, there were few screws loose – and save his life in the process.

Joker doesn’t think she did that on purpose. There’s always been rumors about Shepard’s suicidal streak and Joker worked with her long enough to know they might’ve been true. Though, Shepard was also the kind to survive and Joker saw her fight time and time again. He really doesn’t think she killed herself. 

He can’t say for certain, she didn’t take that into consideration while running to get him. 

 

 

The Shepard in his dreams in still, unmoving like the one he didn’t want on his bridge. She’s silent in an unnerving way. Shepard was always someone you’d notice in the crowd, she had to use all her willpower to disappear. The Shepard in his dreams lacks presence, lacks life and Joker can feel her staring down to his core. She’s freezing his soul and Joker wants to shout because it’s not Shepard he knows, _he knew_ , it’s some kind of poorly made imposter and he wants it gone.

He wants Shepard to come back. 

He leaves nightlights on, hoping that they will chase away the shadow-like Shepard but she keeps coming back like haunting him is the best thing she found in the afterlife.

Joker wants to laugh because Shepard would do this. She would haunt him but Joker wants to believe that she liked him enough to be a nice ghost. Joker hopes she’d be like a poltergeist from old vids Shepard liked so much. 

He hates thinking of her in the _past tense_. 

 

 

Cerberus finds him drinking in the bar in some far, far away place. He flew like he was chased by the darkness, galaxy himself and he almost ended up in Terminus System. It was probably Shepard the Angel who stopped him from crossing that line. 

Cerberus finds him drunk and dead on his feet. They sober him up and give him a ship, something small and unimportant to test if he can still fly. He tells them _fuck you_ and crashes the ship in the hangar. They find him some feet away from the crash-site, laughing like a madman. 

Somehow, Cerberus takes him in.

Joker’s suspicious of them, trusts them as much as he can throw them – and it’s not very much, not very far. Shepard would kick them to the end of the galaxy (he needs to stop thinking about her). They bring Karin in, whisper something in her ear, pretend to tell him the same but he’s not a fool. Karin’s eyes are bright but sad, there’s hope in them and Joker latches on it like a man on a desert. 

 

 

Cerberus gives him Normandy-SR2. It’s a pretty new ship, so similar to the original like they were onboard through all their missions and Joker’s sure Karin helped with that. He can’t be mad at her for sharing because Normandy blinks at him with life and it’s the first sign of something better. 

The second sign is Shepard walking in, tall and suspicious, with bright scars on her face and a pistol in her hand. She sees him and smiles – she’s warm and alive and real and Joker cries because the galaxy stopped the haunting. His ghost is real, in flesh right before his eyes and he pulls Shepard in a hug. 

“You ass” Joker says and he’s not ashamed how broken his voice sounds. “I’m sending you my therapist’s bill”

Shepard laughs and Joker joins her, welcomes her voice as a sign of her not being part of an awful dream. 

_Shepard’s not dead_ and it’s enough for him to hope again.


End file.
